Me…

     I like to spend some time writing and retrospecting.  This blog is my resting place when don’t want to be with anyone. I am not a traditional writer as you might be thinking but I try to collect my thoughts as often as possible. It gives me peace to share my thoughts and views on this blog.

Job as “PART OF YOUR LIFE” not as “YOUR LIFE”

 

During the times of recession in 2007-2008 , I was working with an IT organization. I came to work as part of my usual routine and suddenly I felt some weird silence, felt something wrong and some negative vibes about the place. I thought maybe I should get up from my desk and talk to my peers around that should make me feel better. So I opened my box of fruits and went to each one of my team member’s desk to share. I was feeling better talking to people around but as if I had sixth sense, still felt a strange moaning silence. While I was eating and looking at my emails, someone called me and said “Your manager is calling you in conference room”

I was wondering, if he has agreed to help me move into another team for a better role. I moved up the stairs and all geared-up for discussion I straightway entered the conference room. But what I saw was not what I had expected. Some lists with the names of employees, a bundle of resignation letters, an HR personnel and my manager was there in the room.

My boss started the conversation, showing me an already typed resignation letter with my name on it.

“Our Company is going through a rough phase and we have chosen few employees to leave the organization. As a part of this I have chosen you as I understand you don’t have many liabilities, you are single and your family background is good, so this is the resignation letter. Please sign on it and take home 3 month’s salary and your full and final else we won’t have a choice rather than firing you.”

An unknown lady entered the room carrying my office bag and all my stuff. She possibly had my drawer’s duplicate keys and she opened it and brought all my stuff with my office bag. It was all so well planned. She handed over all my stuff and told me there is cab waiting for you in the basement. Let’s go! And my manager added “Cab driver will drop you anywhere, wherever you want, Good luck!”

I suddenly felt like pinching myself and I continuously kept on telling myself “No… No this is not happening, May be I having a nightmare, Wake up Wake up!”

Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I am thinking “How can you say that I am single and I don’t have a liability? My father was recovering from his second heart attack and he was retired from government service. My mother was about to retire. My sister was married and no financial liabilities towards my parents as in how it happens in India. My brother was highly educated but was earning very less because he wanted to live closer to my parents so he didn’t think of moving out of town for the sake of high pay package, instead continued working in the town with the least pay package somebody could get. I had supported my education after my B-Tech, because that was the only way further if ever I chose to study more”.

I was disappointed, discouraged and moreover being penalized for being a woman. Suddenly it reminded me of my conversation with my boss which happened few days before this meeting. He said “Why do you need growth and movement to another team for better opportunity? You are a girl and single. Where are you going to spend? Oh Did I feel bad about his words?! Some ancient Men, I don’t know from which civilization and which planet they have come from! They are still looking down at woman whether it is their home or their workplace.

I came home and didn’t stop crying all the way home. I took a day to stay in shock and decided not to let my family know that I have lost my job. I stumbled and limped and again pulled myself to search for a job. 4 Months passed by and I started falling short of money even for my daily meals. I was sharing an accommodation with a friend of mine. I remember her being so empathetic that she never mentioned how difficult it was to listen to my rejection stories of 100s of interviews I appeared in and 100s of calls I made. I was even rejected by the best of my friends at work place, only because I won’t be travelling to that office and I won’t be of any use to them.

Some of my old friends helped me. A team mate helped me un-expectedly, he gave me various leads for a job. I remember a friend asked me to transfer some money to my account. Another friend bought me a phone as my phone broke and stopped working. My roomie was a real hero, sometimes I felt that she is also going through my pain, she was that lovely and supportive. She paid for my meals and she will always tell that she will have meals from my pocket once I get a job. She at least made sure that I stay positive and know that I will get a job sooner or later. I even remember searching for left over coins here n there in my cupboard for my daily one time meals. One fine day, after 4-5 months I got a job as an Operation Manager but with half of the money that I was getting. I jumped into joining without any delay. It was a night shift. I had utilized all those months into preparing for my PMP certification, crying, sobbing, talking to God, cursing people who left me, thanking people who stayed with me and most frequently appearing in interviews and trying for things to happen. That was the time of endless depression and unforgettable learning for me. After joining this new job, I took vacation for a week and did my final run through my PMP exam preparation and I appeared in the exam. I cleared and got the certification which I am still retaining it

I was focused on building relationships with my friends, family and my team at work. I was focused to stay fair and human .You should not recognize yourself as Managers, IT professionals, Directors associated with our designation at job only rather remember yourself as a social creature and as a human first. You have it today but who knows you don’t have it tomorrow. Life doesn’t stop if your job is not there. This incident made me realize that job is just a part of your life and it is not your life. We need friends who stay with you no matter what, who help you and become your strength. You should not take loads of stress for something which gives you a sense of insecurity. Take it as it comes and you never know what goodness is coming with every obstacle in life. I have learnt to take it as it comes at work. My certification as paid off really good returns which was result of my joblessness. Last but not the least, I met my better half, my life time partner in the same organization where I landed after all these hiccups of recession. What else you could ask for! Blessing in disguise!

Survivor Bholli- A Mother Dog

She is Bholli (Innocent), a stray dog living across the road under a tea stall. Her genuine eyes and shy behavior immediately caught my attention one day while leaving home. She looked so lean and boney when I saw her for the first time. Her whole body was nothing but a skeleton as she was not able to search for food and as she is a new mother of 4. This picture was taken when I went to feed her for the first time. You can see that she was hiding her tail in her legs and she is looking damn scared from humans. I somehow managed to leave the food and water nearby her and left. I guess she ate after a while. It was my first attempt to pet a stray dog. Even though I keep so busy but whenever I see any animals suffering on the Indian roads my heart cries out for them and my dog love starts kicking me to do something for them. I feel if I do even for one day , I am making a difference.

All this dog love started when by beloved husband gifted me our pet dog Scooby. Oh Lord! he is one dog of his kind. So energetic, stubborn, playfull, kiddish, funny and lovable. I am short of adjectives. He is my inspiration and my baby love too.

Its been few days that I am feeding Bholli and somehow I managed to get help from another volunteer who comes every day to feed her the second meal of the day. We have also made a temporary shelter for her and her puppy squad.

Bholli is slightly better now. I am so glad to see the her puppies are looking healthy now. Bholli is still not that friendly with me. She always watches me from a distance,when I go to give her food and water, but she is better and indeed a survivor. I am waiting for the day when she will start trusting humans and come wagging her tail looking at one.

 

Busy days

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Thanks to all my lovely audience that I am back again on this blog. My only motivation of writing is that atleast someone on this earth is listening. I feel so overwhelmed with my daily routine right now that writing it out is the only option to me. Keep on thinking about quitting my job but let me tellyo ” Life is a Bitch” and puts me back again.

I wish this world was a garden full of flowers, all green everywhere, fresh like a droplet on the leaves.. oh I wish!!!
I start my travel to work after finishing all my household chores n preparations for my baby and my dog. It takes me almost 2 hours to reach work n believe me the sun and the traffic both are on high. Work worries occupy half of my brain n then these animals on the roads of India, especially stray dogs n cows..hmm… Rest of my brain n time goes into coordinating for their rescue everyday. Calling animal shelters, calling government authorities for their birth controls and other vaccines.

Animal population in India is like human reproduction in other countries. They just grow and grow and grow ,then the situation becomes so bad that humans won’t even refrain from killing them or exporting them for China Yulin dog eating festival. But there are a very few like me too, who have do much to do for their families and still would want to do more for strays and become an idiot in eyes of others here. Today I have made a shelter opposite to my house for a stray dog however people on the road were looking at me as
if I am doing something really awkward… My friends say that I shouldn’t be bothered about animal’s condition here coz this is how it works in India.

They say I am emotional but I say I am human.

A letter to my baby

Today we went to passport office for your passport. You father doesn’t want to stay in India anymore and he wants me to support him in his decision. I am unsure of what we are going to do abroad. I keep on reading articles and news online which doesn’t show me any good picture of other who have moved. Again. Thinking about your future, even if you study in Bangalore you are not going to stay here forever. You’ll start following what has been the trend, that students are here till 12^th standard and then they want to study abroad. So how are we going to save for you. Even though you have come very late to my life, I don’t want anything to be delayed for you. So I will let your father lead and I will follow. After all trust & love binds us.  

I dream to give you a even better education and better financial support, better upbringing and better thought process…all in all a good life. You know, I was thinking we were not born with golden spoon but you are definitely having some good luck that you are born with this house , this car and moreover you have your father’s parents with you all the time…ya mine are also there somewhere sulking to see you in Jalandhar. And then there is another house in Kolkata. You have the legacy of being child of Bengali and Punjabi family. You are also going to learn all the best things from your father. I don’t joke when I tell your father that you are my hero. He is indeed. Your father has worked like a dog to build all this up. I remember the day we were married, in the public eye it was a regular affair but for us it was a life time of togetherness, come what may.

 I didn’t expect it to be a very flashy ,flowery day but I was little taken a back to face the reality, when there was no relative to welcome me in the house…and there was no decorations in my bedroom, there we no camera and lights, there was a small bed in small bedroom where we adjusted . I and your father had rented that house in East of Delhi near the metro station. There was small temple opposite to that house. We had rented only a floor, a top floor. There were other families living in other floors. Though the house was small, I slowly adjusted to the environment where everything was little less. Little less space, small kitchen, too many stairs, less utensils, different food, less furniture, less relatives and less friends was usual. We had put all our savings to buy a Pulsar Motorcycle and that was the most loved transport for 4 years after marriage. My whole world revolved around your father. Market was nearby, we used to get everything in best prices and used to travel to work by rickshaw and metro. Now your father’s friends were mine. They are all nice people. One fine day we decided to move to Bangalore as we were earning very less there. This city is the land of opportunities. I tried taking transfer from Delhi and I was successful. So Bangalore became the home. For you it will always be your home no matter where you go in the world.

 

You are my bundle of Joy

Yet again, you bring smile on my face every day and every moment. With your little hands and fingers, you touched my face and said few words which only I could understand. You stood for a while and started clapping. Trying to make as much noise as you can with those tiny screams and claps. Still remember the day when I was too scared to loose you. I am not sure, even I should put all this down or not, but I am. There was a time when I used to wake up every day thinking n hoping that you are good and happy inside. I am so grateful that the time has flown by and you are here in my arms and filling my life with the joy of motherhood. I still remember that when I sat in a queue and waited for hours and hours to see a glimpse of you, but you were shy n sleepy. May be you were getting ready to make a mark on this world. Sometimes I miss my own mother, only the thought of the hardships she might have faced puts me in a restless situation. How hard it could be to raising up 3 kids, how hard it would have been on her that she doesn’t even remember half of our traumatic childhood. I don’t know how she lived, tolerated and consumed all of this so smoothly without even taking a sigh in front of us. She is definitely an iron woman. I wish I could be even half of it. I know I am putting efforts but not sure are my efforts close or far to my parent’s. And moreover I have so much to tell you. Even if I don’t remember a single good thing of my childhood except that Dad loved me and Mommy too but never expressed, I have so many stories to tell you. Atleast I know you’ll hear all that I have to say without judging me and I’ll be much satisfied as an unorganized storyteller.

Reaching The End

 

Sitting around a round table , I am going down the memory lane and wondering how it changed my life. I was coming home that day, already planning how to spend the rest of the day peacefully. I shared my meal with everyone around for the last time. There was a strange wind of sadness around and suddenly some silent faces started moving all around that space. I received an invite to the moment of change. I possibly was not able to hear anything that I could have. As if some slow voices are coming from far away. Before I could gather my thoughts and make some space, my knees started feeling week and shaky. I took a moment to breathe and compose myself. I walked away with all the negative options running in my mind and realising that I only have the void spaces,some bodies and fake relationships around.

It was the moment of change and may be the moment of truth for me. Days went by, months went by and I purposely remember that time. It might have taken me some time to walk alone in those crazy times but I was walking towards the fruit of my patience, my inner strength and my mountain attitude. Walking every mile with persistence and thinking that I am one mile closer to happiness of my soul. I was believing that these gloomy days are not here to stay forever. I pushed my every nerve, every second and reminded my self that there is nothing more important in your life than your own life. And there I was!

You were also there with me, you too had a part in this play and you were there for a reason. I am grateful to you and to you too, to all those who were there when I was passing by that lane. It took me some time to realize that I am fine and it was over. Looking at you in the blink of my eye, around that round table.

All this was just to remind me that we all gotto pass that lane. We all have choices, to share our joys and sorrows before we reach the end of the lane.

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